More parkun days

A Halloween parkrun day

07:15 Thy alarm calleth and that right soon
07:20 Stumble to bathroom. Certainly have appropriate bedhead hair style for Halloween run
07:25 Set off truly MA-HOO-SIVE pot of coffee
07:35 Put on skeleton onesie over shorts and tshirt
07:45 Infusion of life-giving substance: Coffee!
08:14 Ask Sally sat nav to take me to Brighouse. Idly wonder why it's pronounced Brigg-house instead of Brig-us which would at least be consistent with bizarre West Yorkshire dialect
08:15 Sally sat nav (Who has clearly had a stroke) pronounces it Bry-gouse
08:15 Sally sat nav says destination Bry-gouse will be reached at 08:47. Hope the car park is near!
08:17 Select "Unwell" by Matchbox 20 on stereo
08:20 Skoda DJ plays "No Alarms" by Radiohead. Cheeky little monkey
08:48 Pull up outside Wellholme park, Brighouse. Can already see parkrunners milling around. None seem to be in fancy dress. Uh oh
08:49 Get out of car to find witch and another skeleton getting out of 2 cars in front. Phew! "Least I'm not the only pillock" I remark. "Oh definitely not" says the witch. "There'll be plenty of us"
I ask where nearest toilets are as feel ominous belly rumblings. Pointed at Tescos in distance. hmmmm, bit too far!
09:00 RD urges us to take free brandy snap at end as he doesn't want to take it home!
09:03 Various witches, ghoulies, skeletons, draculas etc set off on a parkrun!
09:05 Feel like am running in treacle. Legs won't move
09:07 Legs beginning to loosen off
09:09 Keep calm belly.....keep caaaaaaaaaaalm
09:12 Am actually over taking people
09:15 Running along, not pushing myself. Listening to my breathing. Got 10k tomorrow so no racing today!
09:17 Glance down at watch. Says am doing 4:01 per k. It must have had a stroke too, although have been over taking quite a few people...
09:20 Cruise through line. Unbelievably have run 20:36 at only 70% effort!
09:21 Partake in free Wright's & Co brandy snap!!!! Made right here in Brighouse!!
09:30 Attempt to take slow-motion videos of runners in fancy dress.
11:40 Scott, your time in position 9 today at Brighouse parkrun was 20:37. Even as a skeleton you were damnably sexy

A racecourse parkrun day

Yesterday: Sophia: What time are we leaving tomorrow?
Me: No later than 10 to 8.....

Scene fades to black...

07:00 Alarm. WTF is wrong with me?? It's my day off!!
07:05 It puts the coffee in the machine
07:10 Select Yorkshire 3 peaks tshirt. YORKSHIRE!!!
07:20 Dear, sweet, coffee, my bestest friend. I love and adore thee, you're always there for me. Ahhhh
07:30 Sophia- "What time do we need to leave?"
Me: "10 to 8"
07:40 Sit on sofa sipping coffee, fully dressed with all required kit in bag. "SOPHIA, YOU HAVE 10 MINUTES!!"
No answer from upstairs...
07:50 Me: "SOPHIA, WE NEED TO LEAVE, NOW"
Sophia: "Oh ooooooo, uuuuurr"
07:55 Me- "You are making us late, we need to leave, now!"
08:00 Sit in car waiting, banging head on dashboard
08:05 Eventually leave
08:10 Marvel and delighted at incredible sight of Red Kite wheeling over car, coming in really close giving spectacular view, right until last moment when it suddenly dives and clips top of car!!! No sign of injured bird on road?!? Think it's ok!?
08:07 Skoda Sat nav shows estimated arrival time at Catterick to be 08:52. Oh brill
08:30 A1M diversion... here we go.....what could possibly go worng?
08:35 Approaching Northallerton. Do we divert to the parkrun there? From memory it's all on grass, neither of us have suitable shoes. Decide to push on to Catterick to avoid comedy skiddy, muddy parkrun falls
08:40 For first time in years, may not be adhering *strictly* to speed limit...
08:53 Arrive at car park for Catterick racecourse after miles of twisty country roads to find lorry blocking entrance! Oh no!! Man directing truck stops it to lt us get through! TAAAA!!
08:55 Fast walk/jog to start whilst trying to strip
08:57 Hop on one foot taking off jogging bottoms etc and stuff in back pack. Look around for suitable storage. Marshal offers to transport bag to finish!! Gratefully accept :)
09:01 Hilarious RD briefing from the very charming and exotic Atmaram Dahal.
09:02 Not a dry eye in the house as very young boy receives his 10 junior milestone tshirt
09:05 Let the parkrun commence!
09:07 Unsurprised to see 2 juniors sprint in to lead as 2 j11-14 ran under 18 minutes last week
09:10 Random thought- Is parkrun at racecourse still not a race? (Don't answer that, it's a joke!!)
09:11 Over take all but one of the juniors that set off sprinting from start
09:12-09:25ish Concentrate on staying bouncy, keeping my form and not dying
09:20 Triumphantly (not really) pass very bouncy chap who had over taken me much earlier. He is very bouncy with very large arm movements, he looks like he is sprinting

Watch has been showing less than 3:52 per/k average- On for my first time under 19 minutes at a parkun!!!!
09:22 End is nigh, just need to keep going!!! 30 seconds to cover the last straight and go under 19!!!!
09:23 Watch bleeps for 5k with probably 100m to go, bugger! That means the average speed is wrong! JUST GOOOOOOO!!
09:2?? Cross line in cloud of steam and burning rubber
Timer calls out 19!
09:23 AH F**K!
09:24 F@~K PARKRUN. F*&K PARKRUNNERS!!!! F%$K ALL RUNNERS!! F*^K RUNNING!!!!
Wait... there's free cake?!!?
09:30 Do a lap with Sophia who smashes her parkrun PB too!!
09:32 Feel stone in shoe, stop to empty them out. Discover is an actual flipping blister! OH FFS!
09:25 Free cake and tea!! I LOVE parkrun :)

10:00 Go for a wander around Richmond and buy extra special bottle of French sparkling white wine (Not from the champagne region) to celebrate PBs
10:37 Scott, your time in position 4 today at Catterick parkrun was 19:01.Congratulations on being awarded the nationwide "Sexiest" parkrunner award. Good luck in next week's "World's sexiest parkrunner" finals. We think you're odds on favourite!

A teenage parkrun day

07:00 Oh god, it's the alarm. Mum you are so stupid! Why did you set the alarm? God I hate you!
07:10 No Mum! I hate you! I'm not going! parkrun is stupid!
07:30 I'M NOT GOING! parkrun is so lame
08:00 I AM NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS BED!
08:05 DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD, tell her I'm not going!!!
08:25 From downstairs: "We're leaving!"
From upstairs, "Urrrrrgh, you WOULD leave without me too! God, I'm ringing child line. You two are abusers"
08:30 Mum, what have you done with my shorts?!!? *I* didn't put them there, what are they doing in the corner of the room?!" WHY HAVEN'T YOU WASHED ANY OF MY THINGS?!?!?
08:45 WHERE ARE MY F&^%*NG TRAINERS?
08:47 GOD! I look so fat in these shorts and they smell!
08:50 I'M NOT F£&^%*G GOING!!
08:57 Scuff shoes all the way from car to start line. Everyone looks so lame. Look at these stupid clothes
09:00 Set off like a maniac sprinting. I'm leading parkrun!
09:02 Totally knackered. I'm not finishing this, it's so stupid
09:10 Muuuuuum, I want to go home!
09:20 Dad, you'd BETTER be buying me icecream afterwards or I am NEVER doing this again!
09:35 Sprint last 200 metres. 2 minutes off my PB, I am amazing! I LOVE parkrun!
09:50 Eating ice cream with my lovely mum and Dad. They're ace, I love them. Can't wait for next week

Nostell Priory

A parkrun 15th tourist/birthday weekend/taking-it-easy-race-tomorrow day

07:30 Woken by alarm on new phone. FRIGGIN' 'ELL! Vibrate and LOOOOOUD alarm!
07:40 Put on long-sleeved top for first time in months. Sad face
07:45 KWORFEE!!!
08:15 "Sophia! Shift it or we'll be late!"
08:20 Set off for Nostell parkrun @ Nostell Priory
08:30 Skoda DJ selects "Shiney happy people" by REM. Nice one SDJ, nice one
08:35 Pass Pontefract racecourse, which is amusing, as it has it's own parkrun!
08:45 Arrive at large National Trust stately home, put spare barcode in window for free parking. Been once before for a cross country race. Probably not the same route...
08:50 Repeat slowly to myself, "I must not race, I must not race, I must not race" Tadcaster 10 tomorrow!
09:01 Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's PARKRUN!
09:02 Bit of a scrum at start, end up sprinting to get in position.
09:04 Passed by familiar sight of Terry, local cross country champ. Hard to miss with trademark mohican! Guess he'll be first finisher then!
09:05 Section of very sharp gravel+barefoot shoes= careful running!
09:05-09:10 First lap enjoying scenery and breathing in fresh air
09:10-09:21 Passed by numerous sweaty-bettys furiously chasing their PBs. Bounce gently along in all my smugness
09:25 Head back to find Sophia whilst trying to avoid electric fences down the side of paths made to keep the cows in!
09:30 Find Sophia and identify a lady in purple parkrun volunteer top to be her nemesis for today.
09:32 Sophia is overtaken by nemesis. Come on Sophia, get a wriggle on!
09:34 Nemesis says that I ought to do another lap after this one as she knows I've already finished but if I am doing it again I should do another full parkrun.
09:35 Nemesis is in front coming to final hill before finish in front of house
09:36 No amount of "motivation/abuse" will get Sophia to catch nemesis. Not sure she is taking nemesis seriously.
09:38 Inform Sophia she could be on for a PB. Motivation found!
09:40 Pat gorgeous Airdale doggy. Thanked by owner who said doggy was refusing to move until someone fussed her
09:50 Coffee and muffin demolition
10:00 Pat gorgeous dog that looks hilariously like Alsatian-corgi cross. Body of a corgi, head of an alsatian! Owners have no idea what doggy is as they are surrounded by all their lovely rescue dogs
11:51 Text message: Scott, your time in position 13 today at Nostell parkrun was 21:39. Well done on your first run here. The magnificence of our stately home pales into insignificance next to you
11:51 Text message: Sophia, your time in position 178 today at Nostell parkrun was 38:25. Well done on your first run here. You really are a very lucky girl to be going out with the best parkrunnner in the universe
36 second PB for Sophia! Jeroboam!!!!

Wetherby

A parkrun birthday. "The return of the prosecco dictator"

06:00 Woken by Sophia having conversation with cat
06:30 Woken again by Sophia having conversation with cat
07:00 Woken yet again by Sophia discussing philosophy, art and history with Bella the cat. Turns out Bella hates Gauguin and is really quite right-wing
07:10 Bella has hilarious cat cold- cutest tiny little sneezes and catty wheezing. Also- cat snot being sneezed on to sleeping human's faces
07:30 Woken by tinkly alarm. Immediately go tinkle
07:45 Coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...bah....gum, lad!
07:50 Choose subtle "Rombald's stride " tshirt (22 miles of blood, toil, tears and sweat)
08:00 Take short trip around porcelain collection at the smallest room exhibition
08:01 Give Sophia first "AWOOGA" warning
08:30 Miraculously leave on time.
08:35 After some encouragement, Skoda DJ plays blinder with "Red morning light" by Kings of Leon, followed by "Given to fly" by Pearl Jam. Awesome!
08:45 Arrive to usual deserted park and select x-talon fell shoes for "firm going" grass course
08:50 Greeted by Joseph (World's most handsome whippet (TM) ) who feigns being pleased to see me whilst checking me out for treats (not got any with me this week) and soon returns to usual insouciance upon discovering truth
08:55 Survey this week's "competition" to see likelihood of finally completing collection of first 10 finish tokens with a No1. None of regular fast runners around. Some fit looking people. Hmmmm
09:02 pAAAAAAARKRUN!
09:02:30 LEAD PARKRUN!!!! MAYBE NO ONE "PROPER" QUICK HAS TURNED UP THIS WEEK AND CAN FINALLY FINISH FIRST?!?!!?!?
09:03. Nope. 3rd place
09:04 First lady just in front. She becomes target for today
09:06 Catching first lady, her breathing sounds laboured. Soon pass her
09:06-22 PAIN! SWEAT! LUNGS BEING SCOURED BY BRILLO PADS! 3rd and 4th kilometre collapse!
09:22 See finish tunnel appear like an oasis to a thirsty man wandering in desert
09:22 Wonder if will vomit?
09:23........Nope. Phew!
09:25 Take off socks and shoes and head off to find Sophia for barefoot lap on her 13th parkrun!
10:15 Text message: Scott, your time in position 5 today at Wetherby parkrun was 20:02. Well done for avoiding the evilness of a sub 20 time and remaining a good person for at least another week. JEROBOAM!!

Yet more parkrun days. Tweet me @scott_leach




A north east parkrun tourism day 5/8/17

07:30 Wake in premier inn that overlooks the whitewater centre at the Tees Barrage. Tourist parkrun, baby!!
07:40. Might as well have shower seeing how course is a 2 minute walk away. It'll make a change not to smell BEFORE the parkrun for once
08:00 Leisurely cup of tea
08:30 Wander down to start. No one about. Several other parkrun tourist wandering about looking confused. One asks, "Where's the start?" turns out we're all newbies
08:40 Find bloke who knows and he confirms we're in right spot. No one really knows where I can dump bag. End up letting myself in to building at finish line and leaving bag under bench in changing rooms. Managed to forcibly remove strap on garmin by sticking hand through slats on bench, cue quick repairs. Hope bag is still there when come back!
09:00 Admit to being a tourist from Leeds at the RD brief
09:01 And parkrun is go!
09:02 Up the ramp on to the first bridge. Treated to amazing view down the river!
09:03 Running just behind the front pack of 6 runners who slowly pull away, damn them!
09:10ish Up the steps to the bridge at the far end, suddenly feel knackered! Try to employ my fell racing experience down ramps. Utterly fail. At least the back half of course will have tailwind, hoping for a fast finish!
09:10-20 Struggling, not feeling it at all! Running all alone, runners in front and behind are a long way away!
09:18 Come to junction in path, not totally obvious which way to go, no marshal and no runners around, take my best guess!
09:19 Thin path surrounded by trees, no runners around to see if am going the right way...
09:20 Aaaaaaand I have gone..........the right way! Phew!
09:21. Finish with an average pace of 3:56 per k, good for a 19 and a half minute time... but wait... 20:32 on the watch and also 5.2km...and last night someone mentioned on facebook that the course start is where it is to make sure the start isn't too narrow...not suspicious at all! Good job it's a run not a race or I would demand my money back!
09:25 Backpack is still safe in the changing rooms!
09:35 Finish last k with Sophia
09:50 Stumble back to hotel for cup of tea, will find cake and or bacon later!
10:40 Text message: Scott, your time in position 7 today at Tees Barrage parkrun was 20:31. Well done on your first run here. We deliberately keep the course long to stop people becoming evil with sub 20 times. Congratulations on staying a good person this week

Prediction for this evening: Prosecco, after all, it's still a PB at Tees Barrage, right?




A parkrun-Harrogate-challenge cup semi-final-Jed's belated 40th party- day 29/7/17


07:00 Up early to travel to Harrogate for last chance for club championship. Fast course, time to try to go under 19 minutes for the first time ever. Need a 3:48 mins per k average
08:05 Leave for Harrogate full of caffeine, porridge and a head full of boyish dreams of a PB
08:10 Skoda DJ selects "July" by Ocean colour scene. Well played, SDJ, well played
08:20 SDJ selects a Shires song for Sophia. Endure 3 minutes of mind-numbingly bad music. Bad SDJ, very bad SDJ.
08:30 The Stray, Harrogate, completely deserted apart from a few marshals and the RD.
08:35 Harrogate course: 3 laps of a rectangular section of the Stray, 2 sides perfect tarmac path, 2 sides grass, completely flat. Difficult shoe choice, go for vibram five finger trek ascent
08:45 Use the *remarkably* clean park toilets. Not sarcasm!! Surprisingly few graffitied offers of sex in the toilet cubicles
08:50 Meet Jed and Fliss Dave Hickman from Fellandale and discuss Jed's lack of regulation blue Fellandale shorts. He will be punished
08:55 *POOF* 350 people appear like magic
09:05 pAAAAAAAAAAAARKRUUUUUUUUUUN!!
09:05:01 Nidd valley runner goes off like a rocket, moving amazingly well for a muscular guy! Wonder if he will keep it up...
09:06 Packed mud paths turn out to be a bit slippy, run on grass at side for increased grip and so I don't "split my difference"
09:10 Must concentrate on even splits, mustn't blow up like a cheap hooker!!
09:12ish Garmin average showing 3:44 at 2k!!!! PB is on!!!
09:17 3rd k; 4 minutes, DAMNIT! Got to speed up!! Slap self in face several times for adrenaline boost
09:20ish Get back in front of young runner who had over taken me earlier. Watch showing 3:50 average, need to finish it big style!! 800 metres to go! Where's an East German coach with a syringe when you need one?
09:20summat. Finishing straight on good tarmac with wind at back. Giving it everything!! Ripon runner is in front, good going bloke!
09:20summatandabit. Look at watch and.....3:47 average!!!!!!!!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!!! I DID IT!!! I FLUFFING DID IT!!!

09:25 Wait a second.............time.................19:28. W.T.F?!!?!?>!?!!?! W.T.parkrunning.F??!!!

Distance...5.13km!!!! GODSDAMNIT!!!!!!!!

F%&* YOU PARKRUN. F£$% YOU HARROGATE!!!! F*&% YOU EVERYONE!!!!!! F£%& IT ALL TO HELL IN A HAND BASKET!!!!!!

09:35 After 10 minutes of deep breathing and meditation, appreciate that parkrun is a run not a race and pleased to run my fastest ever average kilometre pace for a 5k. Cheer in Jed and Dave, chat to RD and thank him for an excellent event. Head off to complete last lap with Sophia.
11:41 Text message: Scott, your time in position 8 today at Harrogate parkrun was 19:29. Well done on a new PB. As per parkrun law, you must now consume several glasses of prosecco until you start to talk more gibberish than usual
12:10 Nidd valley runner turns out to be a vet 50-54 with a PB of 18:22!! DAI-YUM!
12:15 Time to set off for the mighty Hull FC in the challenge cup semi-final. It's not all about the parkrun ya know (But mostly it is)





A parkswim day 22/7/17


07:30 Wake to the sound of hammering rain
07:40 Select suitable kit for conditions: cap, rain jacket, mudclaws, canoe, bilge pump, cure for trench foot
07:45 AHHHHHHHH caffeine
07:50 Porridge. Must take run today seriously now nemesis has stopped running scared in Italy and has come back to Wetherby
08:00 Sophia dons her brand new Wetherby AC "Couch to 5k hero" vest for her "graduation run" with the other runners from the beginners' group
08:10 Set off in pounding rain. Skoda DJ selects "Wait for me" by Kings of Leon- Nice choice! Then it goes for a Travis track, but I pick a better one "Why does it always rain on me?"
08:30 Arrive in deserted car park in torrential rain. Put on serious Inov8 raceshell220 fell runner's association- approved taped-seam hooded rain jacket
08:50 Spot nemesis and offer to re-tie his shoes... He declines. Curses, my plan is foiled!
08:55 Rain nearly clears up leaving only slight drizzle. Take off serious rain jacket and walk to start with cap on to keep drizzle out of eyes
09:00 Torrential rain restarts- too late to get jacket!!!!
09:02ish Swim away from start. Rain turns biblical. Shirt and shorts immediately glued to skin. Bilge pump working over-time to bail out undercrackers
09:03 Nemesis just in front, tuck in behind
09:05 Over take nemesis and attempt to "psyche him out" "Beer and pizza diet for 2 weeks eh, Steve?"
09:10 Running in small pack with 2 other runners. Each time one slows down one others speeds up. My companions are man in 50 shirt and j15-17 lady
09:10-18 Positions swap in 3 runner pack, but make a break for it and over take both of them!
09:16 Passed by nemesis, godsdamnit!!! He opens up a 5 metre lead
09:17 10 metres
09:18 5 metres
09:18:30 Over taken by j15-17 lady (She got a PB)
09:19 20 metres. Enter final 100m. Vanquished by nemesis once again!! Even a week of beer and pizza in Italy hasn't slowed him sufficiently for me to get him! Grrrrr!
09:22 Literally wring out tshirt!
09:25 Take off shoes and go for a barefoot last lap with Sophia who breaks 40 minutes for the first time in smashing her pb by 1 minute 33 seconds! Proud boyfriend :)
09:35 Bacon butties and hot tea in sports assoc whilst drying out with the 5k beginners' group.
09:40 Rain stops!! Bloody typical
10:30 Buy 2 bottles of sparkling Italian pink wine
10:53 Text message: Scott, your time in position 6 at Wetherby parkrun today was 19:23. Thank goodness you didn't drown and we think you look amazing in a wet tshirt





A small p for parkrun, a giant P for mankind 15/7/17


07:30 Ignore alarm and hit snooze
07:35 Fall out of bed sideways, but manage to avoid killing cat
07:40 Watch drizzle slowly erm, drizzle down outside whilst filling coffee machine with Kenyan roast
07:45 Back up the dump truck at the household waste recycling centre
07:50 Don 3 Peaks race tshirt to remind myself I was quite hard once upon a time
07:55 ☕☕☕☕
08:10 Skoda DJ has developed sick sense of humour first playing "Waterfront" by Simple minds (Come in, come out of the rain) Then "Man don't cry" by the Christians
08:20 Arrive at Wetherby to streaming rain in a deserted park. Good job have brought mudclaws! (Didn't need them, wore vibram 5 fingers instead)
08:45 Rain stops and all sorts of very fit looking pro-runner types appear- York parkrun is cancelled this week!
08:50 Nemesis is not here this week having chosen to hide out in Italy all week to avoid the competition. He has been mainly posting gorgeous photos to social media
09:05 GO!
09:05:01 Bloke dressed in "gym gear" (bright luminous sleeveless top, leggings that end below the knee) sets off like a rocket and is leading at 50m. Instantly becomes this week's nemesis
09:06 Running in small group of people, unusual for Wetherby!
09:07 Nemesis fades in to distance. VICTORY IS MINE!! BWAAA HA HAAA!!!
09:08-10 Pack thins as runners begin to fade.
09:10 Determined to run even splits for once instead of dying away mid-run like flan in a cupboard
09:15 Chase down runner in front, settle in to 5th place.
09:15 to 09:25summat. PAIN!
09:25 Lay on floor in pool of sweat. I am dying, actually dying. Call an ambulance. No, I'm serious, I can see angels and a golden gate. No St Peter, I'M NOT READY!
09:30. Realise have run under 20 again, can feel the evil beginning to grow.
09:32 Make rude gesture at passing sea gull
11:41 Text message: Scott, your time in position 5 today at Wetherby parkrun was 19:27. You are now fully evil again, feel free to never return those library books you borrowed




It's a parkrun world 24/6/17


07:30 Alarm after actual full night's sleep!!
07:45 Drink coffee while contemplating today's run. Last chance for club championship points at Oakwell Hall. Beamsley Beacon fell race on Thursday and lots of tough training this week may not have been best idea. Ah well, time to enjoy the view instead!
08:15 Skoda DJ selects Africa by Toto for no apparent reason. Never mind, it's a great track
08:55 Thoroughly enjoy today's RD briefing as lots of tourists, a 50 run, a 150 run and a Ruby wedding anniversary! PARTY!
09:01 IT'S PAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKRUN (Shout in Noddy Holder from Slade's voice)
09:01:10 Spot fellow race photog, Philip Bland and do silly jump for photo. I may regret that
09:05 If you want to be the best, if you wanna beat the rest, oh, oh, undulation's what you need!
09:10 Resist urge to shout out "FREE SPEED!!" (TM Scott Jurek) on all the downhills when over taking people
09:15 Overtaken by very small child (JM 11-14)
09:18 Over take very small child on downhill
09:20 Over taken by very small child again
09:22 Beaten by very small child
09:23 Highly amuse young token scanners with my expert "snot rocket" (No one was injured in the execution of said rocket)
09:25 Grab camera and collapse on to floor whilst snapping away
09:50 Persuade volunteers to give up slice of anniversary cake. Nom, as you say, nom, as you correctly point out, nom
10:00 Watch incredibly cute dog playing football with boys in courtyard
10:05 Highly amused when ball bounces in to ladies toilets followed swiftly by cute dog. Boys are able to retrieve neither ball nor dog
10:10 Fight off "vicious" puppy attack from the gorgeous Poppy
10:43 Scott, your time in position 11 today at Oakwell Hall parkrun was 21:18. Well done. You're looking great today, have you been working out?




A ParkTrump (TM) day 17/6/17


07:00 Wake and do 1000 press-ups. I am the fittest man. No one is fitter than me, trust me
07:10-07-30 Sign executive orders making it illegal not to run Parkrun on a Saturday, to funnel-duck or to spell Parkrun with a small P
07:45 Put extra strong glue on head
08:00 Eat the best breakfast, really, just a tremendous breakfast
08:30 Check on building of wall around local Parkrun. Needs to be higher. More bigly even
08:45 Tweet that I will be winning Parkrun today
08:50 100,000 people turn up to run at Parkrun to support me
08:55 Have security throw out anyone who looks a bit foreign
09:00 Give short presentation on new Trump Trainers (TM) . These are really tremendous trainers, just the best, trust me. You should buy some today then you can Parkrun like me.
09:45 End of presentation. Can now start Parkrun
09:50 Stop to tweet about how I am the best parkrunner, really, believe me
09:56 Set new 5k world record of 11:59. Insist on being given time despite not having a barcode.
10:00 Tweet: My Parkrun was covfefe, truly, covfefe
10:30 Eat nearly all the cake, leave half a slice for everyone else.
11:00 News media reporting that I didn't win Parkrun. FAKE NEWS!!! #sad
18:00 Fox news special on my athletic ability, including all the olympic medals I could have won if I didn't decide to be the best TV celebrity ever




A parkrun crisis day 10/6/17

07:30 Awake to alarm, refreshed and feeling great and ready to run.
07:31 Just kidding, feel knackered as usual and hair looks like a hungover hedgehog that's been in a fight in a Wetherspoons at 3am
07:32 Look outside at curtain of rain falling from grey sky.
07:40 Sainsbury's own brand ground coffee in the machine. God, I feel so middle class
07:45 Select Oslo marathon tshirt for rare outing- have to limit its appearances as writing is starting to come off. Put rain jacket in bag
08:00 Start cajoling Sophia to ensure we leave on time
08:15 Skoda DJ, being an expert in irony chooses "Run to the Sun" by Erasure to help me drive through rain
08:35 Arrive at parkrun to find half the course covered by a surprise diveyball tournament
08:40 Crisis talks held between volunteers and I am dispatched off around the field to measure a lap.
08:50 Arrive back at start and report an 850ish metre lap. Cue frenzied counting on toes and fingers; hopefully 6 laps with the finishing funnel to be moved to try to get the right distance!
08:52 Try to find any runner that is faster than me to ensure first runner can let volunteers know where finishing funnel should be!
Spot nemesis who claims to be on for a slow time today due to having run 2 races during the week. I know him and I don't buy it ;)
08:55 Decided not to use waterproof jacket as I am wearing my special waterproof skin today and only recently had all the leaks in it blocked up
09:05 After an extended run brief, PARKRUNNNNNNNN
09:05:01 Nemesis blisters away from the start and quickly disappears in a blur of speed. I knew he was full of it ;)
09:10 ROLL UP, ROLL UP FOR THE ALL-NEW WETHERBY PARKRUN MERRY-GO-ROUND WITH MORE LAPS FOR YOUR MONEY!!! ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND WE GO! SCREAM IF YOU WANT TO GO FASTER!
09:15 After a week of being ill, lungs put up the little white flag pretty early
09:20-summat. Finish in "new PB" time. Definitely not due to a slightly short course. Oh no. definitely not. #alternativefacts
09:21 Take off shoes and go lovely and barefoot on the wet grass whilst I run with Sophia on her last 3 laps
09:40-summat. Sophia manages to keep in front of Adrian Kennedy who is pushing Iris in a buggy and encouraging Finn to run in between short trips on the front of the buggy
09:45 Castigate Adrian for having not tripped nemesis as requested. he had ONE job
10:00 Bacon and Yorkshire tea, paid for by Adrian. Suppose I will forgive him
10:28 Scott, your time in position 4 at Wetherby parkrun today was 19:16. Well done on a new PB. Thanks also for volunteering. Whilst we're at it, has anyone told you just how nice your bum looks in those shorts?
10:45 Reflect on fact that first 7 runners home got new PBs. Not suspicious at all, oh no, not suspicious at all. #morealtfacts
18:00ish. Prosecco to celebrate sophia's pb



A parkrun tourist day 13/5/17

07:00 Alarm
07:01 Very much consider staying in bed as not been able to train properly in a while
07:05 Survey injuries from major faceplant week last Tuesday: Graze and bruise to left shoulder nearly healed, shoulder still a little sore. Big toe a little tender and a little swollen. Ah well, I'll run anyway, what could possibly go wrong?
07:10 COFFEE!
07:20 Enter bathroom *CENSORED FOR PUBLIC DECENCY*
07:50 Miraculously leave house early, I say miraculously, because have Sophia with me!
07:50-08:35 Skoda DJ plays variety of entirely inappropriate songs for a parkrun day. Silly Skoda DJ. Eventually plays "What a feeling" from Flash dance as we enter Ripon. Have to do I suppose! I feel demotivated, Sophia just the opposite
08:45 Arrive at world heritage site: Fountain's Abbey and wander through stunning scenery down to start.
08:50 Warm up to check on toe. Quite sore. Might end up run/walking with Sophia.
09:00 Stand on very narrow and congested path at start. Wonder if very small child standing in front of me is fast enough to be there or really should be elsewhere to avoid being trampled.
09:03 PARKRUN.
09:04 parkshuffle as immediately blocked by slower runners and man pushing buggy, narrowly avoid tripping over. Hear large thump behind me as someone takes heavy tumble
09:06 Small child from start line still with front pack and running very well. Club team mate Patrick Wardle is up ahead and I can see him leading parkrun!!
09:06 Discover going downhill is "interesting" on toe
09:07 Feeling pretty good, go through first k in 3:40 well under 19 minute pace!
09:08 Lungs suddenly put up white flag and attempt to go sit in bunker. Persuade them to keep working which they do, just about, whilst in large sulk
09:10 Running along side man with very cute doggy
09:11 Cute doggy gets distracted by passer-by and wanders the wrong side of stake markers, owner realises at last minute and pulls dog towards him, dog slams in to stake. Man stops to check on dog which seems to be ok
09:15 Hanging.....in.........
09:18 Caught again by man with cute doggy, then passed by man with larger dog. Cute doggy tries to say hello to larger dog, bolts across path and disaster only avoided by man with larger dog executing very quick hurdle. Amazing reactions!
09:20 and change. Finish in a shower of sweat and gravel. Discover it's a bus ride to have your finish token scanned
09:30-45 Find Sophia and cajole/encourage her through to end for her second parkrun finish making sure to wave at volunteers not to stop watch again for me
10:00 Sit in cafe with Patrick, Laura and Sophia dissecting runs. Patrick finished 5th, Laura 99th.
11:24: Text message:Scott, your time in position 24 today at Fountains Abbey parkrun was 20:16. Better luck next week, you're still damnably sexy though
13:30 Sophia harasses the buggery-feck out of me asking questions about garmin connect and strava...beginning to regret encouraging her...
14:00 Damage report: Big toe quite tender and throbbing a little, wonder if I'll pay for this in the morning?




If Carlsberg did parkruns


10:00 Awoken gently by choir of angels softly singing
10:01 Time machine engaged, clock returns to 07:30
07:35 Arrive down in kitchen to find fresh ground coffee and bacon sandwiches on a silver platter
07:40 Breakfast on sun-bathed balcony over-looking nudist beach full of models
08:10 Long hot shower in a shower that doesn't constantly run boiling hot and freezing cold and completely fails to respond to movements of the heat controller
08:20 Put on lightest running kit ever that instantly makes me look both slim and muscular and it definitely doesn't smell of that ingrained sweat smell that's nigh-on impossible to remove
08:25 Picked up by chauffeur driving Stretch Skoda.
08:27 Skoda DJ plays brand-new never-before-heard Kings of Leon track entitled "You're the best parkrunner ever, Scott"
08:35 Arrive to find course has been changed to a 5k loop of perfectly flat, hand-manicured grass that is just slightly damp, yet warm with no turns, perfect for running barefoot
08:40 Steve Cram, Steve Ovett and Seb Coe all turn up and have a bit of a chat before lining up for the run near me
08:50 Stroke an endless supply of incredibly cute dogs
09:00 PARKRUN!
09:00 Feel amazing. Run easily with no aches, pains and definitely no tightening calves. Sprint in to lead. Nemesis fading behind me
09:12:30 Complete parkrun in new world record time
09:15 Take pictures of all 200 other runners with brand new Nikon D5
09:30 Carried aloft around course by other runners
09:50 Celebrate everyone in race beating their own PBs with sausage and egg sandwiches all round
11:00 Arrive home to find all photos have magically processed themselves and jumped on to the internet of their own accord. None are blurred or out of focus
11:10 Write funniest run report in history of run reporting
17:00 Steak dinner and..........prosecco!




I LOVE parkrun


I love that everyone is welcome. I love that at my first parkrun there was a 30+ stone man working *really* hard to improve his health. I love that Jonathan Brownlee holds the course record at York. I love that there are kids with their parents and dogs with their humans. I love that I can use it for rehab after an injury. I love that there is often cake. I love that I have an exclusive card that gives me access to hundreds of events the world over. I love that anyone who wants it can have that same access. I love that people happily volunteer to be VI guides. I love that I paced my friend to her first ever sub 30 time. I love having a profile with all my stats. I love that I can run a course of any kind: grass, tarmac, mud, hills and every combination of the above. I love that I can run them around lakes, coastlines, castles, stately homes, housing estates, sports fields, a ninja turtle shaped-park and other countries. I love the shirts that I am working to earn. I love staying with my camera until the final finisher to make sure everyone gets a photo. I love that there are people that only volunteer and don't run because they know how special it is. I love that there are so many people so dedicated to their parkruns and I love that there are people that only go tourist. I love that it's free. I love being able to race and get a time. I love that there are people as happy to break 50 minutes as 20 minutes. I love the diversity. I love that we all get to share it together. I love Saint Sinton-Hewitt for having set this all in motion and keeping it on the right path. I love that toddlers mix with teens that mix with the middle-aged that mix with the elderly, and I love that everyone of them is a parkrunner. I love that people walk and wheel and limp and sprint and smile at parkrun. I love that former olympic athletes take part. I love buying a bacon sarnie and mug of tea in the sports association after the run and chatting to everyone and I love that the money goes towards the sports association. I love the marshals that cheer me on. I love a PB. I love a milestone.
I love the parks
I love the running

I LOVE parkrun!





A non-tourist tourist parkrun day 25/3/17


07:45 Alarm goes on special day. Time to head to Bramley (Actually the closest run to my own home) because it's the last chance to do this parkrun in my running club's (Horsforth Fellandale) parkrun championship
07:47 Feel heavily hung-over. Odd, as I don't get hang overs and I didn't actually have a drink at Fellandale's awards dinner last night!
08:00 CAFFEINE!!
08:34 Admire new "parkrunner" sticker in back window of my car
08:35 Give skoda DJ at least 47 chances to choose motivational song, arrive at parkrun with skoda DJ having failed in task
08:45 Realise parkrun barcode card will not fit in regulation Fellandale blue shorts. Revert to plan B and grab laminated card and fold up to fit in tiny shorts pocket
08:50 Violate toilet in Bramley's park hut
08:55 Chat to other Fellandalers before the off, enjoying the glorious sunshine. (and no that's NOT a joke!! it was sunny!)
09:02 PARKRUN!!
09:02:05 LEAD PARKRUN!!!!!
09:02:10 Overtaken by small child
09:03 At top of "Upward flat section" small child tires badly. Resist urge to blow raspberry at child as I pass
09:04 Begin to be over taken by more bigger runners
09:03-09:21Summat- Pant, pant, PANT. GRUNT. WHEEZE. PAIN
09:12 Begin to weave in and out of back-markers. Much slower runners blocking entire path on down hill section. 10 seconds to make decision....left? right? grass?
09:12:10 Gap miraculously opens in road block accompanied by sounds of choir of small children and blinding light from heaven. Cruise through centre of runners
09:17ish Go up "upward flat section" for 4th and final time. ARRGGHH!
09:21 Try to stop self from vomiting in finish funnel. Only just manage it
09:22 Cheer in amazing small child whom I wrongly thought had tired badly and must have been miles behind me!
09:22:30 Cheer in rest of Fellandalers and thank amazing volunteers who are brilliant at shouting out encouragement!
09:30 Offer to write run report for Bramley parkrun page which is gratefully accepted
10:00 HUGE full English to celebrate another post-stress fracture PB and post PPPP to facebook

parkrun stories

22/4/17 Wetherby parkrun 93

Thy parkrun cometh and that right soon

07:30 Alarm
07:31 Check to see if legs have reattached after snapping them off with too hard training during week. Feel ok after loosener run last night and legs seem to be hanging from my bottom well enough
07:35 Put the coffee in the coffee pot and drink it all up
07:40 Don club vest. Last chance to beat 73% WAVA as cannot do another Wetherby parkrun this month.
07:41 Realise have forgotten tracksuit bottoms. Hope it's warm!
07:45 Given order from Sophia to pick up worming tablets from vets after parkrun. Unsure if worming tablets are for Bella the cat or me
08:00 Wiggle it, just a little bit, come on and wiggle it, just a little bit. Glutes: READY!
08:30 Skoda DJ selects "You're the voice" by John Farnham for motivation. Not bad, Skoda DJ, not bad
08:35 Hit *every* high note in song and definitely sound like international pop star rather than 60-year smoker with vocal polyps who is tone-deaf
08:45 Meet Martin​ from Horsforth Fellandale​ in car park and walk to sports assoc together. Leave Tom​ setting up pushchair for Thor
08:50 Detonate small nuclear device in toilets of sports association. Sorry, footballers, but you need to toughen up anyway. *Football?!* sheesh
09:00 PARKRUN!!
09:00:01 2 runners blister away from start
09:00:30 2 runners who blistered away
now appear to be running backwards. Settle in to 2nd behind Steve Boynton​ herein known as "The Nemesis" with a PB about 40 seconds better than mine
09:02 TAKE LEAD!!!!! I AM LEADING A PARKRUN!!!!!
09:05 MUST HOLD ON, MUST KEEP UP PACE!!
09:06 ON CORNER NOTICE HAVE LEAD BY ABOUT 10 METRES!!!!!!!
09:07 Hear The Nemesis catching me. Trying to hold on!
09:07:30 Offer marshals bribes of money, cakes or my body to trip up The Nemesis or send him wrong way. None go for it. Especially not the body offer
09:08 Passed by Nemesis, ah well, it was good whilst it lasted! Try to tuck in behind Nemesis, but soon starts pulling away from me
09:10 Watch Nemesis slowly extend lead. Now have to concentrate on keeping pace up
09:18summat. See finish, must sprint hard, prosecco is at stake!!
09:19summat. Probably a PB but no sub 19 and no significant WAVA improvement.
09:22ish Photographising
09:30 Debrief with fellow Fellandalers
09:40 BACON!
10:05 Text message: Scott, your time in position 2 at Wetherby parkrun was 19:18. Well done on a new PB. Hot damn! You are good. Would you please be our poster-boy for parkrun?!
11:30 Ensure prosecco is in fridge because it's parkrun law
11:35 Calves deliver very long, loud, ranty lecture to me detailing my abuse of them over many years. Ignore calves because........NEW PB!!!!

parkrun. All one word, all lower case #aowalc

I LOVE parkrun

I love that everyone is welcome. I love that at my first parkrun there was a 30+ stone man working *really* hard to improve his health. I love that Jonathan Brownlee​ holds the course record at York. I love that there are kids with their parents and dogs with their humans. I love that I can use it for rehab after an injury. I love that there is often cake. I love that I have an exclusive card that gives me access to hundreds of events the world over. I love that anyone who wants it can have that same access. I love that people happily volunteer to be VI guides. I love that I paced my friend to her first ever sub 30 time. I love having a profile with all my stats. I love that I can run a course of any kind: grass, tarmac, mud, hills and every combination of the above. I love that I can run them around lakes, coastlines, castles, stately homes, housing estates, sports fields, a ninja turtle shaped-park and other countries. I love the shirts that I am working to earn. I love staying with my camera until the final finisher to make sure everyone gets a photo. I love that there are people that only volunteer and don't run because they know how special it is. I love that there are so many people so dedicated to their parkruns and I love that there are people that only go tourist. I love that it's free. I love being able to race and get a time. I love that there are people as happy to break 50 minutes as 20 minutes. I love the diversity. I love that we all get to share it together. I love Saint Sinton-Hewitt for having set this all in motion and keeping it on the right path. I love that toddlers mix with teens that mix with the middle-aged that mix with the elderly, and I love that everyone of them is a parkrunner. I love that people walk and wheel and limp and sprint and smile at parkrun. I love that former olympic athletes take part. I love buying a bacon sarnie and mug of tea in the sports association after the run and chatting to everyone and I love that the money goes towards the sports association. I love the marshals that cheer me on. I love a PB. I love a milestone.
I love the parks
I love the running

I LOVE parkrun!

Wetherby parkrun 92 15/4/17

I parkrun, therefore I am

05:30 Woken by Sophia having conversation with the cat. Cat does not respond, but like to think she's saying, "Shut up, Scott is trying to get a good rest before parkrun"
07:30 Alarm, coffee
07:35 Disaster! Realise have forgotten long sleeved top to go under club vest. Going to be a chilly one...
07:45 Give all boys in yard a flavoured milk-based beverage and throw them out before starting hip wiggling exercises
07:50 Eye up choccy egg that will be reward for today's run
08:10 Skoda DJ trying to select motivating song, but being rubbish. Eventually settle on "Don't you forget about me" by Simple minds- 80s classic, if not very motivating lyrics
08:10 HEY HEY HEY! Ooooooooooh, wooooooh!
08:40 Lots more Fellandalers turn up to run! Yay clubmates!
08:45 Recognise several very fast runners from Woodhouse Moor parkrun which has been cancelled today
08:57 Freezing mammaries off in vest and shorts! Pleased by reduction in body-weight
09:00 PAAAAAAAAARKRUN!!
09:00:10 Surprised to be passed by Fellandale vest being worn by second-claimer Patrick​! My fell race times are a little quicker than his,but he soon disappears in to the distance!
09:05 Need to beat 18:55 to get WAVA of 73% and take lead in Fellandale parkrun champs
09:10 Not feeling it! Trying not to die! Patrick continues to get smaller in distance
09:18summat Final push. Glance at watch. Sub 19 is out, but PB is on. Need good sprint!
09:19:** Complete sprint and collapse through line. Garmin is inconclusive. Need to wait for text!
09:25 Photies! Cute doggy shots galore!
09:40 BACON!
10:15 Text message: Scott, your time in position 10 today at Wetherby parkrun was 19:20. Well done on a new PB.  You are the most awesomest parkrunner that ever did awesome at a parkrun. A NEW ALL-TIME PB!!!!!! BY ONE WHOLE COMPLETE...........WAIT FOR IT..........1 SECOND!
11:00 Arrive back at house and place gigantic bottle of prosecco in fridge for celebration!
11:30-13:30 Reports, editing photographs, shower etc, etc, BLAH BLAH BLAH, who cares? I GOT A PB!!!!!!!!!!!!
23:23 Mega pleased with PB as fitness still to gain and fatness still to lose!

Wetherby parkrun 91 8/4/17

My parky-warky run

05:00 Woken up for umpteenth time by Sophia sniffling/coughing/sighing. Try to summon up nurse sympathy. Unable to. Roll over and go back to sleep
07:30-40 Alarm. Set coffee machine. Put on Fellandale vest
08:00 Consciously avoid writing anything about bathroom habits to stop feeding sick addictions of parkrun discussion group regulars
08:01 And "regular" wasn't a reference to anything before you all start
08:10 Spend some time wiggling hips in suggestive fashion to appease physio gods. Go outside to find all boys in yard asking for milkshake
08:30 Arrive in Wetherby with Skoda DJ having utterly failed to select motivating song. Slap self in face to manually add adrenaline.
08:35 Fellow parkrunner: "OH! You're barefoot, no wait, they're socks, or are they? they're running shoes are they? I think?!?"
Me: "They're vibram five fingers"
Fellow parkrunner: "."
08:40 DISASTER! Have forgotten GPS watch! And if it ain't on Strava.....
08:45 Test out bare feet. Bit too bumpy and dry- feet not yet up to it. Put on vivobarefoot trainers instead
08:50 Pleased to see other Fellandale team members have turned out for the club parkrun championship. Now have to try to get highest WAVA score!
09:00 PAAAAAAAAAAAARKUN!
09:05 Boynton boys disappear into distance, apart from Steve Boynton​, who is just in front (He always stays there too!)
09:05-09:19ish Feeling great. Able to run much smoother and faster than I have in a long while. Baffled as thought had done too much hard training too close to parkrun to run well!
09:15 Actually have enough energy on last lap to "give it some welly" Feel like have managed to run even splits for once rather than getting progressively slower. Curse self again for forgetting watch.
09:20 Completely forget that I need to give barcode to lovely scanner volunteer who is looking at me puzzled. Manage to fish card out of back of shorts and hold well away from poor volunteer
09:20:05 Ask timer what time I did. 19:30ish she says. Hmmmm, think the timers might be wrong this week?? Clang cowbell of cloud 9 just to be safe
09:25 Start taking photos
09:40 Women working very hard to finish her run is approached by her son who is shouting "Mum, mum, I beat my Dad and brother"
Mum gasps: "That's good" as she keeps putting in huge effort to finish
"Come on Mum!"
"I AM coming!"
"Oh Mum, you're so slow"
"I know"
09:50 BACON!
10:26 Text message. Scott, your time in position 7 at Wetherby parkrun was 19:28. You are tremendous. You run parkrun so bigly. You're making parkrun great again.
11:00 Arrive back at house. Sophia: "What's it like outside?"
Me: "Just like inside, only bigger"
12:00 Shock of smashing this years PB, my post break PB, being 56 seconds faster than last week and only being 7 seconds outside my all-time PB sinks in. Pick self up off floor.

Wetherby parkrun No90 1/4/17

A 2nd anniversary parkrun day

07:30 Alarm set a little earlier to ensure campness of exercises is extra camp as per biomechanical guy's instructions
07:35 Coffee machine primed with TNT coffee
07:40 Put on club vest and regulation blue shorts as Wetherby is Fellandale's designated parkrun championship course for April,
07:50 CAAAAAAWFEE
08:20 Leave nice and early for parkrun with Sophia who has volunteered today for Wetherby's 2nd anniversary run
08:22 Skoda DJ obviously knows it's April the 1st and chooses "A Town called Malice" as I head to Wetherby. Jokes on you, Skoda DJ, it's an excellent song for raising spirits despite the lyrics!
08:30 As we walk from car park Sophia asks, "Where's the cakes?" Head back to car for lemon drizzle slices I baked to celebrate the anniversary
08:35 Arrive at parkrun and try to find area out of sight to mince through exercises
08:40 Test out barefoot running to see if can run on blister caused by hill sprints earlier in week. Test failed, put on vivobarefoot trainers
08:50 Laugh at crazy black lab pelting in and out of gathered runners
09:00 ED Dawe​ rants about the fact it's an anniversary run and she is the only one in fancy dress (as Lara croft; we were all praying the guns were fake)
09:03 PARKRUN!
09:04 Settle in to 4th place
09:05-09:22ish Try to do even splits instead of recent increasingly slower splits as run goes on
09:22 ish. Finish with "sprint. Celebrate 2017/PB PB by clanging Cowbell of cloud 9 then eat own lemon drizzle slice
09:23 Runner 1 place behind me tells me how he couldn't quite catch me but had been chasing me all the way around. Then says he got a big PB. I take full credit for this. Me, all me
09:25 Camera showing error code! Forgotten memory card! No photos today :(
09:45 Bacon sanger for me, sausage and fried egg for Sophia
09:50 Joseph the whippet sneaks up behind me and sticks nose into bacon sarnie, cheeky little monkey; and after all the doggy snacks I've given him!
10:15 Text message. Scott, your time in position 4 today at Wetherby parkrun was 20:24. All the other parkrunners agreed that you were today's sexiest runner
10:20 Celebrate a PBPB of 36 seconds and a Wetherby PBPB of 46 seconds.
10:30 Inform umpteenth person that *I* made the lemon drizzle slices *not* Sophia. #everydaysexism
11:30. Discover camera does in fact have memory card in it, error code was because lens was not correctly fitted. Whoooooops
12:00 Cuppa proper Yorkshire tea aaaaaaand relax

Not another bl**dy Scott Leach report (Title ©Martin Gebbett​) Wetherby parkrun number 87

Not another bl**dy Scott Leach report (©Martin Gebbett​)

Friday
17:00 Realise have left fell trainers at home. Consider 1.5 hour round trip to get them. Naaah, it'll be reet
Saturday
05:00-07:30 Cat doing cat things
07:45 Alarm. Really alarmed. Very alarmed
07:50 Choose Ron Hill tshirt that just says runandrunrunandrunrunandrunrunandrunrunandrunrunandrunrunandrun
08:00 Caffeine!
08:10 Drop off deposit at the porcelain bank
08:25 Let Skoda shuffle DJ select motivating track. All Fall Down by One Republic. Hmmmmm, try again
08:27 After 15th try Skoda DJ selects Glittering Prize by Simple Minds
08:35 Discover Wetherby weir has a "Salmon ladder" Mind boggles with images. Perhaps it's a euphamism?
08:40 Strip then run about a bit to see if laces are ok on inov8 roclite trainers. They're not. Lace, relace, run, repeat
08:55 ED Nykie Dawe​ goes on rant asking for people to volunteer as run director. People examine trainers closely. We are all suitably chastised. Some are slightly turned on. No one volunteers
08:56 Tourists revealed to be from city of culture 2017 Kingston Upon Hull, one is wearing Hull FC shirt. ED declines rendition of "Old Faithful" due to being a Saints supporter. Everyone who isn't a rugby league fan is baffled by exchange
09:00 PARKRUN!
09:00:30 Feel excellent, run fast and smooth
09:01 Feel knackered, have gone out too fast. Start to slow down.
09:02 7 time Wetherby first finisher Stephen Boynton decides to show off his ballet skills at the 3rd corner by doing the splits and a pirouette in front of me but miraculously keeps his feet
09:03 Roclite shoes are hopeless in mud, feel like Michael Jackson doing moonwalk
09:15 Lap runners from Hull and give them a burst of "Mark Sneyd's on fire, your defence is terrified!"
09:22:27 Cross line then struggle to pull barcode out of pocket at back of shorts. Consider how this looks to poor barcode scanner. Make sure hold out barcode to be scanned rather than hand to volunteer
09:25 Take photos
10:00 Go straight up to shower as Sophia complaining about the stink very loudly
10:45 Bacon and egg!
11:00 Settle down in front of computer to write reports and process photos with coffee

Parkrunning across the universe, only going forward 'cos we can't find reverse

Parkrunning across the universe, only going forward 'cos we can't find reverse.


Midweek: Find out there is a parkrun in Wolverhampton in a ninja turtle-shaped park! Stay amused for rest of week.
Friday: Pressure builds to write highly amusing parkrun report. Feck it, I'll just write my usual unfunny one instead
Saturday

07:55 Girlfriend's alarm goes off 5 minutes before mine, presumably as a punishment for "volunteering" her for scanning duty after plea from ED for marshals.
07:57 Set coffee machine off with Sainsbury's own brand ground coffee as am now part of the middle class
08:00 Startled by MY alarm going off
08:01 Choose between Hull FC vest (2016 Challenge cup winners COYH) or "hilarious" "Education is important, but running is importanter" tshirt. Go for latter
08:02 Don more lycra than is respectable for a 42 year old man
08:05 CAFFEINE!!
08:15 Enter bathroom
08:15:30 Commit crime against humanity
08:25 Remember to perform all physio exercises and roll on mini basketball. Hum Barbara Streisand hits
08:27 Begin to cajole girlfriend to hurry up so we are not late. Girlfriend still in dressing gown
08:30 Give girlfriend 5 minute warning. Refrain from shouting "Awooga"
08:40 Leave for parkrun
08:41 Select Journey's classic "Don't stop believin'" on car stereo.
08:42 Sing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.
08:43 Girlfriend gives me "unimpressed look"
08:48 Arrive at car park and start speed walking to start
08:55 Strip and make fuss of lovely whippet
08:57 Quickly show girlfriend camera so she can get runners on first lap. Neglect to show her how to use pro lens that she hasn't used before. Whoops
09:00 PARKRUN!!
09:02 Left shoe lace unties completely
09:05 Rather surprised that young lad who sets off in the lead is wearing very large down jacket
09:10 Eventually tell young lad that he needs to go around the cones rather than cutting every single corner "But it's muddy" "Tough, it's muddy for everyone" (Cones are partly to prevent damage to pitches so important for not annoying the local footballers and sports association)
09:20 Hear what I think is young lad catching me. Am actually passed by grey haired lady who is moving at a lick! Results show she is a veteran 60-64 from York!!!! RESPECT!
09:21:31 Enter finish funnel and left shoe finally gives up holding on and I leave it behind. Marshal helpfully picks it up and starts to put it neatly away. Hop after her on one foot "Actually, I do rather need that back"
09:22 Wave barcode in front of girlfriend who is clearly miles away
09:23 Grab camera and start snapping
09:35 Cafe: Laugh at bulldog trying to get on cafe counter after he smells frying bacon/sausages
09:40 SAUSAGES BUTTIES!
09:42 Post PPP (Post parkrun porn) picture of sausage sarnie to parkrun discussion group. I WILL make it catch on :)
09:45 Look through photos. Good lord, I'm fat!
10:10 Find parkrun card on ground on way out of sports assoc. ICE information reads: "Handle like eggs"
10:15 Text message: Scott, your time in position 6 at Wetherby parkrun was 21:31. Well done. Thanks also for volunteering. (22 seconds faster than last week, result!)
10:48 Card owner returns my call whilst I'm in Morrisons's buying ingredients for Shepherd's pie. Arrange to exchange card on Tuesday
11:30 Select music for drive home; Kaiser Chiefs classic. Change lyrics to "I predict a diet"
12:00 Start download and processing of pictures12:57 Girlfriend claims she is "tired" from scanning duties....
13:03 Publish report as photos are taking forever. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand relax

Another parkrun day 14/1/17

Another parkrun day.....

That's not me, he's just a very happy bloke I happened to photograph

03:34 Woken by cat screaming whilst sitting in middle of bed
06:34 Wake up for the 14th billionth time and with a painful yet strangely numb arm.
08:00 Woken by alarm
08:02:53 Crawl to bathroom sobbing
08:10 Disaster! Discover boiler has gone off and cannot warm coffee pot before putting in machine meaning probably lukewarm coffee!!
08:15 Manage to reset boiler. Phew!!
08:20 Choose between 2013 Oslo marathon tshirt which has very little life left in it due to poor quality of printing or Trafford 10k tshirt. Plump for former
08:21 Caffeine hit!
08:29 Assault toilet
08:30 Reflect on the fact that I may have last night, somewhat unwisely, after a couple of glasses of wine, announced on facebook page that I plan to win today's parkrun by nobbling 10 other runners
08:35 Check through window to see if any police cars outside.
08:45 Leave for parkrun with relieving lack of flashing blue lights
08:47 Return to house for trainers
08:50 Select today's adrenaline inducing banging choon on car stereo- Hard to Beat by Hard-fi. Sing like loon
08:52 Arrive at Wetherby car park; now in serious hurry to get to start line on time
08:54 Whilst speed walking realise have forgotten to do physio exercises
08:55 Do some quick hip-hitches. Resist urge to sing "I'm coming out"
08:57 Strip and put on trainers etc- leave huge pile of clothing as have brought extra warm gear so can photograph runners later
09:00 Still lacing up trainers when ED announces we are about to start!
09:00:10 Realise have forgotten barcode card!
09:00:15 Get  back-up laminated barcode from sports bag and stuff in back pocket of shorts, because am genius
09:00:45 Put on other glove as sprinting away from start
09:01 Laugh as the 2 young lads that have blistered away from start line playfully shoulder charge each other as they disappear away from the rest of us mere mortals
09:02 Realise that have not tied up left trainer well enough
09:04 Realise that inov8 mudclaw fell trainers are not best choice on completely frozen mud
09:10 Settle in to tenth position
09:21:30 Realise runner behind is coming up fast as we approach finish line
09:21:35 Find killer instinct and sprint like a nutter for line to retain tenth position
09:23 Realise that cannot find back-up barcode in pocket because am def not genius
09:25 Grab camera and start snapping away at other runners
09:40 BACON!

09:50 Arrive home and find barcode stuck to inside of pocket with buttock sweat
10:29 Text message: Scott, thanks for volunteering today at Wetherby parkrun. Your efforts are greatly appreciated by us and all the runners. (They haven't seen the pictures yet!)
10:40 Head to shower to avoid "You stink" comments only to find girlfriend has put washing machine on.
11:00. Start processing pictures!
11:30 Delete worst blurry photos
11:40 Start download!
11:42 Aaaaaand, relax!
11:44 Text message: Scott, your time in position 10 today at Wetherby parkrun was 21:53. Well done. (33 seconds faster than last week. Result!)
18:00 Open magnum of prosecco

A parkrun day 7/1/17

A parkrun day...

Here's one someone took earlier. Think this was at Woodhouse moor parkrun about 3 years ago

07:50 Wake naturally 10 minutes before the alarm, result!
07:55 Put the coffee machine on
08:00 Startled by alarm going off
08:01 Choose between wearing "intimidating" ultra-marathon tshirt to "psyche" out the "opposition" or awesome cool Halloween Scarborough 10k tshirt. Plump for latter
08:10 Caffeine hit!
08:20 Violate the toilet
08:30 Check TUE certificate is still valid
08:31 Steroid inhaler
08:40 Leave for parkrun Wetherby
08:41 Select adrenaline-inducing tune "Reverend" by The Kings of Leon on car stereo and sing it at the top of my voice
08:50 Arrive at park and do incredibly camp hip exercises the physio has given me on steps in front of sports association- manage not to get arrested or put on any registers but earn some funny looks
08:55 Strip!
08:57 Pat cute doggies!
09:00 PARKRUN!
09:01 Wonder if I am going to finish behind man pushing large child in buggy
09:05 Pass buggy, phew!
09:05-09:22:26  ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!
09:26:30 Try to get brain to tell hands to hold out token and barcode. Pretty much fail
09:27 See life flash before eyes. DAMN! I eat a lot of cake!
09:28 Manage to gasp out a thank you to marshals
09:30 Laugh as large child emerges from buggy and pulls woolly hat out of eyes
09:35 Man behind cafe counter asks me "Is it raining outside?" Me: "Um no, I've just been running"
09:36 Try not to drip on cafe counter
09:40 BACON!

09:41 Post PPP bacon picture to parkrun discussion group
10:17 Text message: Scott, your time in position 13 today at Wetherby parkrun was 22:26. Well done.
10:18 Sit wondering if being 13th 2 weeks running is an odd omen especially whilst wearing 10k Halloween tshirt....
10:20 Throw trainers, tshirt and hat into courtyard after dagger looks from girlfriend
10:30 Aaaaaaaaaand relax
11:30 Eventually go for a shower because, apparently, I am "stinking out the house"

Losing my triathlon cherry: The 2016 ITU World triathlon Leeds

Tweet me at @scott_leach and also donate to Bloodwise 

I'm in there, somewhere in the middle

Never done a triathlon before, so why not sign up for a world series one?

If proof were ever need that I am an idiot, then it was in abundant evidence in the sequence of events that led to me entering Waterloo lake in Roundhay park, at 07:24am last Sunday morning. I was wearing a brand new wet-suit that I had never swum in and had only briefly tried on twice, about to swim nearly a mile in open water for the first time, having not been swimming for around 2 years, at the start of my first ever triathlon.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Going back a few months I had been pretty excited when I heard that the world series triathlon was coming to Leeds, so I began googling to find out where exactly it would be. There was no information on that, but to my surprise, it turned out I could enter it. Why watch it if you could do it, I reasoned, whilst downing my beer?
An Olympic triathlon is one of the short ones, right? Doesn't take too long, only a 10k at the end.
By the time I got around to entering it had sold out, so instead I got a charity spot for Bloodwise. I don't usually like to take charity places as I know how much they cost the charities, instead I usually sign up first, then contact the charity to tell them I have my own place. In this instance I had to pledge to raise £400. If I reached £200 Bloodwise would send me a triathlon belt and if I made £400, they would send me a trisuit. I nearly decided to turn down the suit as I didn't want to cost the charity any money, but then I realise they order these things in huge bulk (There were 400 Bloodwise athletes in Leeds alone) so would get them pretty cheap and also, running and cycling round emblazoned with Bloodwise was excellent advertising for the charity.
After an initial facebook appeal had only garnered £100, I began to panic. How would I manage to raise £400!? I didn't think a full-Monty show in my local working man's club when earn much but then I came upon a genius idea- race photos! I often take race photos, usually when I am injured and they receive huge amounts of attention on facebook. If I could get just a few people to donate on the back of them, I might have a chance to hit my target. So off I went out to Ilkley moor for Rombald's Stride in February to photograph around 400 runners in freezing conditions completing the gruelling 22 mile route. I wrote about it here. It was a tough day but well over £100 rolled in for the charity! I had found my way to make money. Over the next few months I went out to a few races, some gaining more money than others, but I eventually hit the target with ease, then went way past it. Consequently, my trisuit arrived from Bloodwise. Unfortunately, the suit was way too small. I am a medium in absolutely everything else, so I found this odd. Even the replacement large was still a little too small, but it was ok and I squeezed my moobs in to it.

The Wheely Bit

A triathlon was probably always a bad idea for me for numerous reasons. For starters, I hate cycling, I find it boring and I really don't feel especially safe on the roads although I know that stats don't support that fear. However, I have a turbo trainer (One of those things you attach a bike to to make it in to an exercise bike) and I decided that I could do most of my training whilst watching HIIT videos on the internet which always seem to feature a suspiciously large amount if fit women in small lycra outfits. In the event, I barely managed to do any cycle training at all as I discovered that cycling brought on the nerve pain through my left foot that I have been struggling with for nearly a year. I hoped that working with a physio would cure it in enough time that I could get some good cycling in, but it never happened, so the little cycling I did was pretty uncomfortable. Once I had managed to cover the required 40k distance on my mountain bike on roughish terrain, with a 5k run afterwards, I pretty much left it there.
The world series triathlon apparently came with some funding for the area to promote the sport, so in the weeks prior to the event there were various free sessions set up on different aspects of tri.
I signed up for transition training at Leeds Beckett. To my amazement, this free session was with a coach from the national triathlon centre! The info I received there proved invaluable during the race. I was taught how to mount and dismount the bike and the rules of transition along with all sorts of tips.
I left the session with a large graze on my elbow and some large bruises on both legs from my first attempt at a flying mount that went wrong as I manged to jump a little too far.
I mentioned to some experienced triathletes that I was planning on using my mountain bike. They all confirmed that this was a terrible idea, not because I was trying to win the thing or was worried about my time, but that it was a bad idea to add 30 minutes to an already tough event and the extra effort that would involve. Luckily, my good friend Mark offered to lend me his road bike and I gratefully accepted. I went out a couple of times on it and practised mounting and dismounting a few times. It was definitely much faster and easier to get about on the roads than on my old mountain bike.
Annoyingly, on my first attempt at a flying mount on it, I managed to kick the pump clean off it, breaking the mounting bracket. A quick trip to outdoors for a replacement ensued.

Photo by Debi Nicholson- amazingly she managed to spot me in the crowds!

The Wet Bit

I was a swimmer when I was at school but years of it eventually meant I very much fell out with it. As an adult I have never really liked swimming much and only really do it when injured and unable to run. I think it is the sensory deprivation that you experience in the pool that I don't like. Consequently I didn't really plan to do too much swim training, but I certainly planned to do some. In the end, the only bit I did was a half hour acclimatisation  in Waterloo lake a couple of weeks ago that involved very little actual swimming. 30 newbies flailing around in the small cordoned off area in front of the Lake house in borrowed wet-suits soon stirred up the 6 inches of  what-ever-the-hell-that-sludge-is-at-the-bottom and we were soon swimming in a green soup with floating bits. Not pleasant. It felt like that scene in trainspotting when he chases the drugs down the toilet.
And now I needed to buy acquire a wet-suit. I had been in a wet-suit maybe twice in my life and certainly didn't own one. I wasn't about to spend vast amounts on one either as I might never use it again. I bought a large size for £13 from Clas Ohlson, only to find out it was too small. I ordered another for £20 from t'interweb carefully studying the sizing guide before ordering. Again, no banana as it proved to be too small. I borrowed one from a friend, but couldn't even zip it up. I know wetsuits are meant to be tight, but this was ridiculous. And I mean, what is it with triathletes? Are they all total short-arses?! How could I, at just shy of 5 feet 11, be too tall for large wet-suits?! Third time lucky I got one from gooutdoors, this time I was able to try it on before purchase. But as I said, stupidly, the first time I would swim in it, would be on the day of the event.

The Feety Bit

Running wise I have now been carrying a very niggly injury since last August meaning on-and-off I have suffered tingly nerve pain (sometimes becoming sharp pain) through the middle toe of my left foot, so over the last few months, my usual 100+ miles a month running has dropped to 60-70.

All in all, training was not going well. Then, there was the organisation of the event.........

This confused look was pretty much my default look

I need to go where? When? How?

Information about the event was very slow coming out but eventually it emerged that there would be split transitions. So I learned, in most tri's transition, the start, finish and the registration are all in the same general vicinity. Not so with this one. The swim was to be in Roundhay and the run and finish in the city centre. It was already beginning to seem complicated. As the event got closer the seasoned triathletes pulled apart the plans for the race and highlighted numerous errors in the information provided. For instance, the run was stated to be 4 laps of the city centre in earlier communications but 5 in later emails. Transition 2 was originally planned to close at 14:30 until everyone pointed out that would make it impossible for us plebs competing in the open race to see the elites without retrieving then locking up your bike in the city centre, and how would anyone get a lock there to make sure the bike was secure? 5000 bikes of varying expense , many worth thousands of pounds scattered around the city was not a good idea....

I was lucky that I left it very late to read the finer details of the event as I avoided relying on incorrect early info, the final email contained information that seemed to be correct, or at least correct if everything had gone to plan, which it spectacularly didn't.
Everyone that has done a tri before, assured me that this level of complication was not usual for a tri and that if I could get through this, any other one would be a piece of the proverbial. In all seriousness, it was beginning to look so damned complicated that if I had not already raised hundreds of pounds for Bloodwise, I would probably have sacked it off.

Registration and set-up

There were various ways you could go about the difficult logistics of this race, but as I had a start time of 07:24, it didn't seem practical to set up in the city centre in the morning then get to Roundhay for the start, so on Saturday (The day prior to the tri) I headed to the city to register. Problem being- I had to carry my borrowed bike in the back of my car as I couldn't drop it off at Roundhay first (You needed to register before you could get entry to T1 to rack your bike). I would need to leave it locked in the car, in Leeds city centre. Safe huh? I didn't want to take the risk of setting up the bike on Sunday morning as it would be too late to correct any mistakes and would require me getting up even earlier than the 05:30 I already planned.
Registration at the Rose Bowl (A univeristy building) was quick and easy and the volunteers were extremely helpful. Just to hammer home my "newbyness" I was surprised when I received a swim cap in my wave colour (Red) so I was glad I didn't buy one as I had been planning to. Apparently, being given a swim cap is totally usual in a triathlon. They gave me a black bag to take to the bike-run transition. This was a change to the initial plans where we were supposed to pick up all 3 bags we needed at registration. Now we would pick up the green kit bag on Sunday morning and the blue swim-to-bike bag when setting up the bike in Roundhay at T1.
I took the opportunity whilst in the city centre to make last minute purchases; some shot blocs and a bottle for the bike.
I felt sorry for those who didn't know Leeds as transition 2 was a good walk from registration and not simple. I know Leeds city centre well, and know the venue for T2 as I often park there, yet I still managed to walk the wrong way and end up back-tracking. There were no signs pointing the way at all.
As I was planning to cycle in my running shoes, all I dropped off at T2 was a tshirt- for in case I was cold and a cap in case it was very sunny. Then I headed back to my car, hoping all the glass was still in one piece (it was) and off to Roundhay to set up my bike.

In the race pack I picked up at registration was also a number of stickers with our race number on, which was confusing everyone, experienced or not. There was one large sticker, which everyone seemed to agree was to go around the seat post on your bike but then there was another large one and 3 small ones. Most people seemed to think that the other large one was to go across the front of your helmet, but no one was sure what to do with the small ones. Some thought it was maybe to go on the bags and others thought it was an alternative way to label your helmet. I went with the consensus and was left with the 3 small stickers unused as our numbers were written large on the bags in marker pen.

I found my wave (8) in the transition area (which was making a giant mess of the cricket pitch) and racked my bike. I really wasn't sure what I was doing so I looked around everyone else's set-up then I basically stuffed everything in to the kit bag and hung it off the handlebars as everyone else had done. I put my jacket at the bottom as I hoped I wouldn't need it then cursed that I had left my sunglasses at home so hoped that the small peak on my cycling cap would suffice if it turned out to be sunny. I seemed to be doing much less here than everyone else and I hoped I wasn't forgetting something important. I remembered to change the gear on the bike to ensure it was right when I set off up the large hill. Unfortunately I clicked the gears the wrong way and ended up starting in a high gear instead of low. D'oh!
After a quick walk down to the lake to spot the start with the large pontoon and the drop area for the green kit bags, I headed home to try to get some rest. Through nerves and whatever else, I didn't actually get to sleep until gone midnight.

Race Day

The alarm went at 05:30 and I grabbed a cup of ground coffee. 30 minutes later, we left the house. Sophia had decided she would drive me to Roundhay so she could watch me start, then drive to the city centre to see the finish. We would need to be there anyway as we had grandstand tickets to see the elites in the afternoon. The organisers had planned to transport all our left over gear from T1 to the city for us so we wouldn't need to return to Roundhay. This wasn't a good plan as a lot of people were leaving their cars at Roundhay so would only need to cary it back to Roundhay from whence it had come! (including their bike and a wet, heavy wet-suit). A simple choice of, "Drop bags left to have them remain in Roundhay and right for transport to the city centre" would have worked perfectly well and would have saved the organisers a lot of trouble transferring kit.

I squeezed in to my wet-suit then stuffed all my clothes, mobile phone, wallet etc in to the green kit bag which we were promised would take "up to 2 hours" to arrive in the city centre. Which seemed reasonable as the fastest amateur took over 2 hours to finish the Olympic tri, but of course, it didn't work out that way....

Under Starter's Orders

There's nothing quite as twattish as a triathlon twat

We weren't given an opportunity to acclimatise to the water, so in we went, freezing cold, seconds before we were due to set off. Most advice tells you to use body glide or baby oil around your wrists, neck and ankles to avoid chaffing in the wet-suit so I had duly applied some baby oil. I wondered what sort of state I would be in at the end of this thing as my cheap wet-suit got its first outing.
In reality, the water wasn't as cold as I feared and we were soon off.

30 seconds in to the swim my right google filled up with water; they weren't tight enough. It really had been stupid to not get some swim practise in where I could have sorted a problem like this.
I carried on for a while with my right eye tight shut. I am a strong swimmer and knew it would be my best discipline of the 3,  but I really had no idea how long it would take me to cover 1500m in open water so I thought I would try to empty the goggle and tie it tighter. I tried 3 times over the course, but each time the goggle filled quickly and I gave up and swam one-eyed.
Around a minute in to the swim, I managed to take a large mouthful of water. I had always thought that I would be able to spit it out with no issues, but I swallowed it before I knew what had happened. Great, now I was likely to get cholera, typhoid and bubonic plague. (The organisers had assured us that the water had been tested and was fit for human consumption. You can actually see straight to the bottom of the lake at the sides so the water IS clear, but it's that 6 inches of sludge that I was worried about)

Unfortunately, the worst part of the swim was that the nerve pain in my foot started up almost as soon as I set off. Whether this was down to the cold of the water or the fact that swimming leaves you in a very "stretched out position" I am not sure. The cold also left me feeling quite breathless in the usual way you get when you are extremely cold, even though I only felt moderately cold. All that said, I seemed to be moving reasonably quickly and I regularly over took people, including those in different caps from other waves.
For the most part, the route of the swim was obvious, but when we arrived at the near end of the lake it was less obvious where we needed to turn and a lot of people managed to miss going around the two red marker bouys and some were sent back before the marshals apparently gave up on that as so many swimmers made the same mistake. I did the correct route, more by luck than anything and the pontoon eventually appeared. Looking at my result afterwards, I was surprised to have completed it in only 26 minutes, far quicker than I thought I would. I do suspect that swim was shorter than 1500m.

T-1000. Just kidding, that's the terminator, it's T1

There was a 400m run from the lake to the back of the bike racks where my bike was stored. The path was carpeted until the cricket pitch where the grass was bare and that was already starting to get muddy. I felt sorry for the 5000th person that would pass over that field by the end of the day.....
As I ran I waited to discover where I had chaffed. I could see people with red sores around their necks, but I seemed ok and so I remained. First swim in a brand new wetsuit and no issues. Result!

Having a bright yellow bike, it turns out, is very helpful as it stands out like a beacon on the racks. I now needed to make a quick decision, did I need my cycling jacket? No one else seemed to be bothering, so I decided not to put it on. I decided to dry my feet and put on socks, reasoning that as I was going to be in the same trainers for the bike and the run it was worth taking that extra time, especially as I would save time not swapping out of cycle shoes at T2. Then I put on my cycle gloves. And I have no idea why. I'd overheard someone saying that they were going to make sure they didn't forget their gloves. Afterwards I noticed no one else was wearing them and it had been a total waste of time. There was no way my hands would have been cold.

I sprinted off for the mount line holding the seat, not the handlebars, as I had been shown at transition training. Another 400m later and I exited the longest transition ever (so the triathlon experts informed me) I had trained to do a flying mount whilst still moving, but there seemed little point as it was such a steep hill straight out of transition. I jumped on and discovered that I was in a high gear. Quickly clicking down through the gears I eventually managed to set off.

T1 with the 1st few bikes in it

Once again I had no idea how long the cycle would take me, but I thought up to 90 minutes was possible. It took me a while to settle but soon I was zipping along over-taking lots of people and also being regularly over-taken, mainly by people on seriously top-end bikes.

As it turned out, the bike route in to the city was mostly downhill, which meant cycling back to Roundhay was quite hard work. However, by the time the third leg, back in to the city began, I knew the route and what I had to do, which was basically, hit it as hard as possible as I knew it was mainly downhill to the end. I began over-taking A LOT of people. I was swapping places with quite a few people, losing time on each uphill section then catching them on the flat parts and on the numerous downhills. I ended up having a battle with a woman in a triathlon trainers outfit and I set her as a target. We swapped places on quite a few occasions before I eventually pulled away from her.
At around ten miles in to the cycle my foot was beginning to be extremely painful. I tried stretching my leg out behind me on the downhills. Another cyclist pulled up along side me and laughing said, "I thought you were going to take off for a minute there"
I laughed too, "I wish I could, my bloody foot is killing me"
At one point I discovered that cycling with my toes took the pain away, but it didn't last long before it came back. I was just going to have to put up with it, and as I arrived back in the city centre I couldn't wait to get off the bike and start running.

T2- Revenge of the transition

Then came the hilarious part- I scared the crap out of a lot of people as I came up to T2......

I had been shown how to do a flying dismount and I fully planned to do this, especially as I was in my running trainers already. So here's what you do according to the national triathlon coaches: As you approach the dismount line (you need to get off BEFORE this line to avoid a penalty) you slow down to dismount speed. I then swing my right leg around the bike and bring it in between my left leg and the bike. You are then poised to with your left foot still on the peddle to jump off the bike whilst it is still moving and and hit the ground running.

The MOST important part here was: Slow Down To Dismount Speed!!!

I, however, came in at break-neck speed and as I had already swung my leg over the bike, I was in trouble. The way the brakes on my loan bike are configured, meant I couldn't really pull them as I would need to shift my hands on to the bottom of the drop-handle handlebars and I wasn't confident of doing that without falling off. I was too close to the dismount line to try to swing my leg back over the bike so I had no chance but to tough it out. I was going to have to just jump.
The dismount line approached and I went for it. I hit the ground at such speed that my knees buckled and I stumbled. The small crowd let out a big "Oooooo" but I recovered and took a a few more steps. Then I stumbled again and the crowd let out another large "Oooooooo!!" Both they, and myself were expecting a spectacular face-plant at any moment, but somehow I managed to recover yet again, however in the process the bike started to twist and fall. I managed to grab hold of the handlebars and straighten the bike, then I quickly switched my grip to the seat and I had made it. Amazingly, I was running along safely with the bike. The crowd had a moment of stunned silence unable to believe I had pulled it off,  before they gave out a cheer and I, of course, carried on running as if I had totally meant to do it, casually as you like, whilst inside I was thanking the Gods of triathlon for allowing me to survive.

I entered the rubble-strewn car park that is the site of the old international pool which was transition 2. The state of the ground didn't bother me as I was in my running trainers, but many people had issues as they were running barefoot through it with their cycle shoes still attached to their bikes.
I found my bike rack quickly and put the bike on seat first. Then I remembered the advice about putting it on handlebars first with the rack jammed in between the brake levers and the handlebars so I wasted precious seconds spinning the bike around. Then I struggled to stuff my helmet in to my bag hanging off the rack. I quickly decided I wouldn't need the tshirt or cap and off I went.

Run Fat Boy, Run

I took three steps away from the bike and on the third one a sharp pain shot through my foot that felt like I had been stabbed and I let out a yelp. At that point I actually wondered if I would be able to finish this thing or have to walk the 10k. The pain relented a little and I found I was able to run. To my surprise my legs didn't actually feel like to large blocks of wood like they had felt the few times I had run straight after cycling during training.

I had definitely been looking forward to the run, but wasn't excited about a 5 lap route. In the event though, it went a lot quicker than I was expecting, if only in my head, rather than on the watch. On my first lap I discovered there was small cheering section for Bloodwise situated on the Headrow and I would be passing them 5 times. I shouted to them that I want a Mexican wave. Eventually, on my 4th pass they did do a full Mexican wave!

The pain in my foot was pretty unpleasant as we looped around the short, undulating lap. 

For some reason, they had made the merge point the narrowest part of the lap, so each of the 5 times I past it, I was slowed down by congestion. 

The route took us through the grandstand they had set up in millennium square and unbeknown to me, Sophia was in the stand taking photos. She had done amazingly well to get photos of me coming out of the swim. I say amazing as there were obviously dozens of us in red swimming caps and pretty much nothing else to identify us.

The run was also congested and I needed to weave in and out of lots of much slower runners before I was able to go down the finish tunnel at the 5th pass. I gave it a bit of a sprint to make sure the runner next to me didn't ruin my finish photos (Seriously!)
The marshal with the medals tried to hand it to me and as always, I insisted that they did it properly and put it over my head for me. The marshals all found this pretty funny and with a smile, my medal was placed around my neck. 

The Aftermath

The timing chip attached to my ankle that had the event looking like a mass prison break recorded each section of the race and here's my results:

I came 521st out of 2200ish athletes in 2 hours 32. I have to say I am pretty pleased with that, all things considered. Not surprisingly, my best result was the swim where I finished 433rd. But the incredible thing was my T2 time- 10th overall! I say incredible considering that I messed around with racking the bike and struggled with getting the helmet in the bag. I am sure that my 10th place had lots to do with me already being in my running trainers and lots of the people who had used bike shoes struggling to run in the rubble. And of course, my ridiculous entrance to the transition area.

After the finish the worst problems were to come. The area directly after the finish was tiny and soon filled up with finishers as- unbelievably- we were unable to leave this area because we needed to cross the running track that was now full with hundreds of runners. A few finishers at a time were able to sprint between athletes trying to complete their runs.

After the finish area were were offered a lump of stale bread, half a brown banana and an orange quarter. Triathletes, apparently, are used to much better than this and probably have a right to expect better considering the cost of these events.
Erdinger provided pints of alcohol free lager which I have to admit was pretty tasty, then we ran in to the most major problem of the day...

I arrived at the baggage pick-up to a very large crowd and discovered that the first 1800 bags had arrived as expected, but that the next lot were delayed. At this point, over 3 hours had elapsed since I had dropped off my green bag in Roundhay, so the promised 2 hours had been greatly exceeded.
Most people were taking this bad news in pretty good spirits. It certainly wasn't the poor volunteers fault behind the counter and I really felt for them doing a tough job.

So now, I was stranded in the city centre, in nothing but a triathlon suit, with no phone, no money, no clothing and no way to contact Sophia to tell her where I was. I was unaware that she had seen me finish so I didn't know if she was worried about me or not.

I decided to make the most of it and I headed off to the Bloodwise cheering section and I spent some time chatting and cheering on the other Bloodwise runners.

Half an hour or so later I headed back to the bag drop to find it in just as much chaos. I was incredibly lucky to get my bag back at this point, many other people were not so lucky. So now I had a phone, I was able to contact Sophia and was able to put on some warmer clothing. The organisers were very lucky it was a warm day, otherwise they might have had a hypothermia epidemic on their hands. As it was, I had started to get chilly, so was glad to get a sweat shirt on.

My blue bag with my wet-suit etc in it still hadn't arrived so I would need to return to the bag drop once again, later on to get that too.

I enjoyed a gorgeous sausage sandwich in a bar before heading back to the grandstand and thoroughly enjoying the wonderful atmosphere as the elites showed us how it should be done. Jorgenson put in an amazing run to make up more than two minutes deficit from the bike to win the ladies and the Brownlee brothers dominated the men's race from the minute they donned their running shoes.

All in all it was a fantastic day, the open race that I took part in was on a great route and I would have enjoyed it very much if it hadn't been for the foot pain and I am now very much looking forward to entering another once I have had some physio.
The elite races went off without hitch and the crowds made it an incredible event.

The complaints and ramifications of all the poor parts of the organisation of this race will no doubt rumble on for a long time. Reading the complaints from experienced triathletes, it turns out that every time British Triathlon organise an event, it tends to turn out this way! So now I know whose events to avoid.
All that said, I still managed to enjoy the event and yes, I will do another triathlon.
A week later and I still have a numb toe on my left foot, but otherwise, no damage done, and now I can't stop looking at nice road bikes to buy.....